Tag: dating

Updated June 3rd, 2019

I’m so scared of looking creepy I won’t even ask you out.

Huh, what?

Dating is Awkward

I was at a bar in Goa recently doing what middle-class millennials do when they’re trying to cling on to their youth.

Having some drinks, wearing my cool Rainbow sandals that I got from California and chilling with some friends.  

And since I’m a fairly normal dude with an ok life on paper…by friends I mean 8 guys and 2 of their wives.  And by chilling, I mean pretending to enjoy the techno/psytrance/electronica or whatever it’s called these days while some douchey Russian bro tripping next to me reminds me of my bad life choices.

You get the idea.

As the evening is in full swing, I notice a group of four girls checking me out from the corner of my eye.

Now I’m no Brad Pitt and nothing to swoon about (although I did check to see if Brad was perhaps behind me), but I am fairly aware of my surroundings and have an ok level of confidence you require by a certain age.

I’m not the prize of the show but I’m not hideous, and when a group of attractive females are eye humping you, you’re mind figures out a game plan.

I started thinking maybe there’s a small chance I know one of them, or perhaps they know me, or hey, maybe, just maybe, this is what Goa is really all about. (Ahhhhhh yeah…….it’s going down).

So I did what any of us would have done in that situation.

NOTHING.

Now I would love to start my lecture to you about how bars are a waste of time, but that’s not where I’m going yet.

Oh, how I wish it was.

You see while I noticed the ladies and took a sip of my drink while awkwardly making eye contact (which by the way, please never do while sipping), my friends did also.

So the peer pressure was on, and since we exchanged a few smiles and I was feeling in my zone, I went for it.

CONFIDENCE LEVEL: MR. PITT

Dating is not the movies

Lowered the drink near pocket level to avoid spillage (cue Eminem music), waited for a gap in the crowd and began the swag walk over.  

Step by step, playing out each quick option in my head.

“Hey, hows it going? You girls like Goa?”

You girls like Goa? WTF?

Easy enough I thought, but very generic.

But screw it, eye contact made and smiles exchanged, this would be easy enough to chat for a bit, impress the friends staring from their safe zone and then say bye and walk back, number in hand with the confidence of Oceans 11.

So I walk up and say “Hey Ladies, how are you?” and wait for the glory to begin.

They take a look at me, giggle, and turn around.

Confidence Level: Zero.

Dealing with Rejection is Normal.

I’ve been rejected before, and I’ve done the same to others for probably the same reasons. (e.g. I don’t find you attractive but I got to make something else up). Rejection I can handle, and it’s completely normal to be on both sides.

But the reason I write about this one now is that it sort of triggered off so many mixed emotions in my head.

I really have no recollection of what those girls looked like, but I clearly remember everything else.

Walking back embarrassed, laughing about it as my friends commended me on the effort, and then giggling to myself in the plane like a psycho as I thought of this blog.

But the main thought, the main confusion and main embarrassment in the moment was “What exactly did I miss?”  

Did I take too long to approach them, and somehow lose their interest by the time I cozied on over?

Was I too generic in how I said Hello? I mean clearly these girls are savants of passionate romantic authors like Milan Kundera (Unbearable Lightness anyone?) and introductions required much more than a simple “hi.”

Or am I really having an epiphany about bar culture thinking I was about to meet the love of my life at 3 AM in a crowded disco in the middle of Goa during Biker Week?

The answer to all of those questions is yes. And no. But more importantly, who gives a shit?

If you’re confused, well you’re supposed to be.

Because that’s what growing up in pub/club culture is really all about.

Confusion.  Misaligned expectations.  And whole bunch of WTF moments.

None of us are really there for the music or good conversation, although we all enjoy being around people and knowing we picked the right place for the evening because “that’s where everyone else is.”  So we each stumble through these nights acting/behaving in a certain fashion that creates a series of frustrating experiences like the one outlined above. The girls probably don’t care about dancing but do enjoy the selfies and having a night out, and the guys could give one shit about the DJ but are hoping to at least massage their egos as the night progresses.

Either way, this presents a huge set of problems for you and me.

Of the hundreds of nights out I’ve had with friends, I’ve probably spent 80/100 at a bar/restaurant/club. And out of the hundreds of weddings I’ve been to, I think 1/100 of those couples actually met as strangers in the night at a local pub.

The same is true for friendships, in that I don’t think I have a single close friend I initially met over a drink.

As a result, for a single bachelor or bachelorette, things get interesting with time.

When you’re 22 this world is exciting and full of promise.

You walk around full of confidence in whiskey form shoving your groin into anything that moves, thinking the girl will turn around and say “Oh my, what a gentleman you are.

Let’s go back to your hostel, I don’t even mind if it’s non-AC.”

When you’re 25, the hostel becomes a hotel (or your own apartment), and the cycle continues.

As you cross 30, full of disposable income but still trying to fill your social calendar, it becomes a bit easier to spot the gaps.

You realize many roads lead to the same place and you might be taking the one in need of some major repairs.

Guys and girls are both looking to meet people, date, travel, have shared experiences and live up their youth. You can do all these things but straying from the herd once in a while might be the way to do it.

We complain about movies and skip the bad ones.

We complain about government and involve ourselves as required.

With the modern dating/bar-hopping scene, try to make your own decisions as well.  

Pubs are a great place to spend time with friends, but not an ideal place to make new ones.

Plato

We should complain about those too.

If I sound like some jaded loner who is just burned out with the status quo, that’s ok. I’d rather it be me than you. But as someone who has done great some months and terrible others on the social front, one thing I’ve realized is the system generally forces you to be something you’re not.

I grew up hearing the phrase “Nice guys finish last” even though that’s all I ever wanted to be.  

I like helping my friends and it brings me joy to see them happy.  

If a girl texts me and my phone is nearby, God forbid I reply right away.  (Wait two days? Dude, I got this slick haircut today and she needs to SEE IT NOW).  

I also was a platinum member with the hotel brand the JW Friend Zone. But in my own personal experiences, only when I started to ignore the opposite sex did I find them no longer ignoring me.

I couldn’t entirely be myself cause the friend zone got boring, but I couldn’t come on too strong because that wasn’t who I was and there’s a very thin line between cool and creepy.  

And frankly, most of us have no idea when we cross it.  

I would love to ask the cute girl at Starbucks if she would like to get a coffee (Whoa…if you make a coffee date at a coffee shop did it just happen?) the way I hear it’s supposed to be done.

I’d love to swoon you off your feet on the dance floor or over tequila shots the way MTV showed me.  

But honestly, all of that seems like a paradox these days.  Men and women want a partner who’s planned yet spontaneous, sweet but has an edge, and competitive yet relaxed.

HUH?

CONCLUSION

When you play by the book you’re unoriginal, and when you try all the cool shit you realize the book is fiction.

Dave Chappelle once famously said that “Chivalry is dead and women Killed it.”

While the crowd immediately recognizes the joke and bursts out in applause, there is an obvious recognition of truth that cuts both ways for men AND women.

We live in a time where both genders complain about being single even though (technically) it’s never been easier to meet someone.  

Technology killed our social interactions, we have dwindling attention spans, yada yada.  

But when you’re spending your days learning to be yourself and then spending your evenings trying to be someone else, at which point do you step back for a laugh to realize how absurd it’s all become?  

There was a time you could walk up to someone, smile, and tell them something polite.  In fact, as far as I remember, that was what you were supposed to do. When that changed, I have no idea.

But if you can’t even do that anymore, what are you supposed to do?

Comments? Pop them below.

A ton of dudes in India, Asia and yes America struggle with interacting with half the population.

Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

I used to always wonder why was I still single, is there something wrong with me, how come some people are so natural while others seem to have no luck?

So why are you still single? You’re still single because you:

1. Overthink
2. Don’t utilize your downtime to improve yourself, the way you would if nobody is giving you a job. (let’s avoid the easy joke here)
3. *drumroll* You never actually asked anybody out directly, you just beat around the bush on social media.

In this post I’m going to explain all of these in details.

I’m also going to give you some tips so you can eventually learn how to get a girlfriend.

Hint: You don’t learn how to get a girlfriend. You learn how to be a well-rounded person that is attractive to every other person on planet earth.

21 and still single? It’s normal.

Valentine’s day just passed and I saw a lot of stuff about getting friend-zoned, being alone, “love is a sucks” and whatever else 18-30-year-olds say when they have their hormones raging and nowhere to channel that energy.  

Having been there myself (albeit quite some time ago), I distinctly remember the helplessness most dudes feel when you realize you can’t even be around women, let alone talk to them.

So that being said and since I enjoy a dose of Senti in between my increasingly random comedy videos, I thought I’d pen some thoughts on why you, the average nice guy Indian male (or non-Indian male, I grew up in California) might be struggling with the ladies.

25 and still Single? Yep, still normal.

Why You Don’t Have a Girlfriend

Society, Instagram and the movies have taught you some really bad things you need to unlearn. I’m well into my thirties and despite what every romantic comedy (Hollywood and Bollywood) tells you…I’ve never met someone at a bar and gone home with them that night. And with regards to what your friends might say… I feel it’s pretty much the same thing although they’ll never admit it.

1. You Spend Way too Much Time at Bars

It’s no secret that we can drink at home for a lot cheaper.  

But the promise of being Joey or Barney and having eye candy to stare at doesn’t exist beyond the TV screen.  So naturally Friday comes around and you decide it’s time to go be around some girls.  Except in most cases, the average bar in Bangalore/Mumbai/Delhi has about 75% dudes (if not more) and even if it does have a 50% split, chances are you and your 4 guy friends aren’t getting in without spending too much to convince the bouncer that you’re a valuable addition to the party.

So rather than dedicate all your energy to spending 1K a night (at minimum) on drinks ($20 USD), why not look at things more simply.  

Elon Musk said “if you want to try something new, you have to get things down to their most fundamental truths and reason up from there.”  

In this case, that truth is you’re spending money to be around women.  

Can anyone deny that?  

Yes there is alcohol and music but let’s be honest, that’s all just secondary right?  So instead of wasting so much time at the bars, go to other places the women might be.  

Where can you meet women outside Bars and Pubs?

Not being creepy when you try to approach a woman is a whole other post, but assuming you know how to do it, most guys who don’t want to be single and succeed at finding someone probably do at places like:

• House parties
• School/College
• Networking events
• Art classes (photography, painting, salsa, French, whatever),
• Weddings
• Flea markets
• Friend or colleagues birthday dinner or lunch
• Park on Sunday with your dog
• Online Forums (maybe you both are Quora experts at something?)
• Cafe
• Bookstore
• Gym

Which brings me to my second point:

2. You Don’t Spend Time at the Gym

I don’t mean get a six-pack and I don’t mean be the creepy guy who is staring at the yoga girl doing downward dog…but I mean spend time at a gym on a Friday or Saturday evening.  

You’ll be around people who actually enjoy dinner, conversations, movies, and have a strong enough mind to not always follow the herd of the weekend = party.  

And while you should definitely not be that guy at the gym who seems to be only friendly with the ladies (bro who are you fooling we can all see right through you), you will make new friends and have other social activities to go to once in a while.  

My favorite reason for going to the gym, however, is that even if you lose, you win.  

You’re still getting in shape which is only going to further help your confidence and answer that question of “How do I find someone to date?”

30 and still single? Still normal, but spend that dollar on tinder plus please.

3. You Refuse to Use the Apps

I have so many friends (girls especially) who act like they’re either too cool, too scared or just too lazy to use the apps.  

What’s wrong with you?

Unless you’re not actively looking for a partner or a hookup why wouldn’t you put yourself out there?  

There’s no need to be desperate to post  “I want a Girlfriend ” or “somebody please tell me how to make girlfriend” on your social media, but if nobody even knows you want to audition for the movie how will you ever get casted?  

And once you decide you want to use Tinder or Shaadi.com or Bumble or whatever you’ll have a whole other set of challenges on how to design your profile, behave, and so on.  

Being a stand up comic I see so many guys who spend a year before they try an open mic, and then once they’ve gotten over the stage freight realize the real hustle is now beginning.

They ask me “Hey bro I finally did my first open mic after a year, it was so fun. Can you get me more stage time? To which I reply “I could have a year ago, but now you gotta get in line and make it happen for yourself.”

So get to it bruv!

40 and still single? Again, Still normal, but look inwards not outwards.

4. Have a Side Hustle or Extra Source of Income

I’m glad you have that amazing job at KPMG and you make however much money.  

That’s great you went to that conference in New York or Singapore.  

Oh wow you handle foreign exchange and assist large-cap companies and zzzzzz……….

It amazes me how many people in India (and the world) who belong to the middle-class kind of just think their life is defined by their 9 to 5.  I’ve also never seen a girl impressed by a guy talking about his job at McKinsey beyond just knowing it’s McKinsey.  While you should be proud of your job and salary and future, in the pub or the party where everybody is spending the same on overpriced food and drinks…you’re probably not that much different from the next guy.

Now that we’re living in a time where freelancers exist everywhere, there’s an app for everything and yada yada, I’m surprised that more people limit their professional aspirations to just their job.

It’s so easy to do multiple things, and single people need to realize that:

the best wingman is your accomplishments.  

If you have a standard IT or Finance or Consulting or your dad’s business type of job, at the very least, try to do things which make you interesting because your girlfriend isn’t going to be spending time with you at the office.  

Finding Hobbies Outside of Work

• Do you like traveling the Himalayas?
• Taking photos and using Lightroom to do amazing portraits?
• Maybe you want to know how to play the guitar?
• Learn to speak French in Bangalore?
• Do stand up comedy in Delhi?
• Enjoy film making
• Have a nerdy obsession with planes
• Perhaps you want to start your own outsourcing firm for banking software and you’re looking for weekend offices?
• Make your own gym?  
• Maybe you enjoy being a frequent flyer snob and love getting free deals to travel the world.  
• Or maybe you’re the graphic designer I asked to illustrate this blog and put this sentence here to see if he’s reading it?

If you don’t have a side hustle at the moment that’s fine, because most of us don’t even know until 25-35.  But the point is to start looking.

 More than just finding a girlfriend for you, it’s going to help you have a much more balanced and rounded lifestyle.  

Think of the things you’re attracted to in the opposite (or same) sex…that girl who at the office who also does Zumba or that dude at school who treks in Nepal…or even that guy who just sings Karaoke well.  

Whatever it is, for the love of God find some hobbies and income streams on the side to fill your day with.  

You have way more time than you think.

5. You never actually asked anyone out.

It amazes me how simple this is.  As I wrote about here, it has its own challenges.  

But regardless, life requires you speak up when you want something.  And in India people are so scared of the basic “Hi Hello can I take you out for coffee sometime” that many misguided souls go right ahead straight to the bobs and vagene.  

Because if you’re going to get rejected, you may as well swing for the six (not the other word.)  

Anybody who complains about being single yet has never at least, 2-3 times a year tried politely asking a girl on a date really has nothing to complain about.  

And if you’re the good looking guy who always gets girls messaging him, go to hell.

6. You Go Out with 5 Guys Instead of 4 Guys 1 Girl

The best wingman is accomplishments.  

The second best is a female friend.

In the 90s the rom-com’s like When Harry met Sally said “men and women can’t be friends” but to be honest, you need to learn to make platonic female friends.  

They’re your best asset.

Girls are out at bars and events to also meet people, but if it’s just ten of you dudes please just skip going out.  

If you’re struggling, go out with your buddy and his girlfriend, or keep your group to 2-3 non-threatening looking guys.  

When you step out with 5 guys (unless it’s an Infosys work dinner), you tell the ladies “Hey, not only do I not know any chicks, all the people I hang out with don’t either.”

7. You don’t have nice shoes or accessories

Every guy goes out with the same outfit.

The full sleeve button-up shirt or polo and jeans.  

I’m no fashion expert but I do know they’re small things you can do to make big differences.  

Simple fashion tips to stand out (from someone allergic to style):

• Wear a watch (I know, who needs one but still)
• Clean your shoes, (and honestly in India, you can get a nice pair of shoes for the price of a drink and keep cycling through them)
• Have cufflinks if a semi-formal event or just something that says “Hey I’m trying.”  
• Don’t wear chappals (slippers) when you’re out. Yes, they’re comfy. No, you’re not looking cool. And yes we know you don’t care.
• Wear a belt. Belts are like socks. You may not see them directly but if you catch a glimpse the effort is at least mentally noticed.
• It’s also amazing how many women notice a guy’s shoes.  

8. You stare and Don’t Smile.

Whenever I’m with my friends who are on the prowl, one thing that bothers me the most is how they scan the room.  

Bro, can you stop making it so obvious?  

A lot of people don’t realize this but everybody literally processes everybody’s face at a bar.  

Ask yourself this question…If Brad Pitt walked into the bar I frequent would I notice? Yup, probably.  Which means you’ve also quickly processed everybody else’s face as well and done a few double takes while you were at it and your mind went “Nope, not Brad Pitt.”

That being said, that cute girl you like in the corner or you think you know from work or school but never talked to…well, she probably noticed you too.

Now you can either try to eye hump her the entire night and then walk over with whiskey breath after the moment has passed, or you can actually smile (fake it even) with your friends and act like Sandeep explaining his 10th trip to Michigan was really that exciting.  

The point being, if you project like you’re having fun (even if you’re not), your chances of meeting someone at a pub, bar or coffee shop at least increase a little.

CONCLUSION

I’m no expert on love but the older I get I do realize the most complicated problems have the most common-sense solutions.  

And to be honest, the fact that billion-dollar industries exist (pick up artists, nightclubs, alcohol, dating sites, self-help) in order to help you meet literally 50% of the population, or literally every other person on earth…tells me the problem shouldn’t really be that complex.

As Steve Jobs said (I think)…”Simplicity is the most complex.”

Learning to talk to a girlfriend or even find one is a challenge in itself, but once you do get one the real challenge of how to make him or her happy begins.

So get to it 🙂